Hold Me Down & Love Me To Life
by AliceSloane13
Summary: RPF about Kate and Natasha during the original detox scene. I don't normally post RPFs, but this one seemed important.


A/N: Hey there all you crazy kids who think I can write! So, it's been a little while since I've posted anything. I swear I'm still writing and haven't abandoned anything (this includes your prompt StirFriedSammi). I just have too many stories going on all at once to keep up or work in any sort of linear fashion. I'm a Libra - what do you expect?

Seriously, you should see my OITNB folder on Google Drive. It's like a horrible 90s college of magazine clippings and random crazy chaos. For those of you babies who didn't get to live through this joyous experience just google "90s teen collage." I apologize ahead of time for the sensory overload. Who knows… maybe these are back and a thing now. Anyways, you get the idea my writing is a disorganized mess.

I don't normally post RPFs, but this one felt safe enough that I don't mind sharing it. It's all fiction, inspired by bits and pieces that these two lovely ladies have revealed over the past few years. I just took the foundation and built from there. Obviously I also took the liberty to fill in the dots with something that's probably a million times heavier than the reality.

If you love it, you can thank Johanna-002 and nofearonlylove for pushing me through this. They try to keep me focused and away from too much coffee and distractions, but I'm a mess that can't be tamed. If you hate it, well, that's all on me! Please enjoy and let me know what you think.

Also, sorry for the lengthy author's note - it's the caffeine I swear!

XOXO

"Life is composed of lights and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows." ~ Walt Disney

 _You know, there was, like, nobody there to really say no [to Nicky]. It was kind of like, "Let's throw money at it." Or you know, "Send you off to boarding school," or whatever. It wasn't, you know, like, "I'm gonna hold you down until, you know, you decide you... you wanna live." You know, "And I'm determined to like love you into … life." I think that's what she finds in prison. And then there's kind of like this whole little family … She's sort of found her place. ~ Natasha Lyonne, Behind the Bars with Nicky_

XOXO

Natasha paced along the edge of the studio script in hand. She didn't even have dialog in this scene, but she knew if it was in her hands, tangible words in black and white, she could detach. Holding onto it with too tight a grip she could remember that it was fiction - written by someone else - and had nothing to do with her past.

She saw Kate walk in and felt panic rise within her. She wasn't ready. The older woman made eye contact and waved, but Natasha pretended like she hadn't seen her. Turning on her heels she quickly headed to the bathroom.

Splashing cold water on her face, Natasha took deep breaths, hoping her mind and body would calm along with the rise and fall of her lungs. She thought back to the techniques she had learned in recovery. _You are not your feelings,_ she reminded herself. She just needed to hold onto that.

 _You can do this Nadia. It's just a scene - just pretending. Stop overthinking everything and get your ass out there and focus. You have a lifetime of experience behind you. This is not real._

 _This is NOT real. Just detach._

She straightened and stared at herself in the mirror, finishing her pep talk with a stern look. Satisfied that she could pretend she was okay long enough to get to the part where all this baggage would seem normal, she grabbed the script once more.

Picking up the paper she noticed that it was damp. She'd splashed water in it when she was washing her face. The words were now sporadically smudged. It was the perfect symbol of how her own emotions were seeping into this moment. Where did fiction start and where did reality end? Lines blurred together into grey swirls that were slowly losing their own identities.

She felt her breathing pick up once more. Natasha wished that it could make her feel angry, but all she was feeling was overwhelmed. Anger she could focus, but her emotions were deep and they clawed at her resolve begging her to breakdown and let them out. She almost missed the sound of the door opening and closing.

"Natasha?" Kate called, as she turned the corner. Seeing the younger woman and her deer-in-the-headlights look, she stopped. Normally her reaction would be to go into full protector mood and fix the situation, but she didn't. She would have drawn this girl into her arms and held her until the pain had passed, but this was a different kind of desperation. This wasn't something she could mother into relief.

When the younger woman looked at her with fear in her eyes, Kate shook her head no. "I know there are things you can't just comfort away. Especially if that concern is forced upon you."

Natasha's shoulders slumped in relief. Had Kate touched her or asked her questions about what was going on she would have crumbled. If she could keep it all bottled up inside she could attempt to keep it controlled. But if she were to talk about it, or allow herself physical comfort, the slowly dwindling control she did have left would be obliterated.

Kate studied her for a moment and then continued, "You do what you need to and I'll be there next to you. Reality can be a bitch and our pasts even worse. When it gets bad just remember that you've lived through it once and beaten it. You've survived the worst part - you can survive this."

Natasha let the words slip beneath her skin. She had been trying to tell herself the same thing, but coming from someone else - it was a comfort that had been more effective than any emotional coddling could have brought. She didn't need the pep-talk of Hallmark sentiments. She needed something harsher - like reality.

"You know I was a little bit intimidated to do this scene with you. To be honest I still kinda am. Just, uh, thanks for the pep talk," she said, feeling more awkward as each word slid off her tongue. "I'm not usually like this."

Kate nodded. "I've been around a long time kid. You pick up some things along the way. Some roles just hit something raw in us and it's hard to see the big picture - but I'll tell you this. The harder the role, the more you have to bite down and get gritty, the better it will be in the end. That is when the magic happens."

Chuckling, Natasha said, "I've been working for over thirty years, but I've never done something so close to home. I've known about this for like a month, but it wasn't until I came in today that it hit me."

"Well, the time is here now sweetheart. Take a few minutes and get yourself together. We've got about 15 minutes before they're all set up. I'll be out there when you're ready."

 _XOXO_

One on-set run throughs and six takes later, Natasha was starting to feel like a failure. She had frozen nearly every time she was supposed to fall into Kate's arms. The first and last take - when she had managed to - she had shrunk back out of Kate's grasp almost instantly.

She felt stiff and uncomfortable. Early she had been worried about getting upset and not being able to get a grip on herself. Now the actual problem was that she was too stressed out to let herself go. It was a place that she never thought she'd return to. Already the memories haunted her, still coating her life with a murky darkness that would never be truly gone.

After the last cut Michael, the director, had wanted to call it a wrap. It seemed like Natasha had hit a wall. It was the best they were going to get. Kate was the one who asked him to keep going. Reluctantly he agreed that they would take a ten-minute break and then try again. Three more takes he told her and then they were calling it quits.

Natasha had never struggled with a role before. She was starting to wonder if they had made a mistake in hiring her. Her acting was a miserable attempt that didn't lead anywhere. Despite her sullen mood, it didn't go unnoticed to her that she was doing a hell of a job of creating tears and sweat and shaking and the inability to catch her breath. It was a fuck-load better than when they'd first started. Hair and makeup had nothing on her skills to turn into a mess. Her physical state meant nothing, however, unless she could get a grip and perform.

They all relaxed for a few moments so she could get refocused. No one said that it was her fault this was taking so long, but she knew it was the truth. An eighth of a page with very little dialogue - that Kate was nailing each time - should have only taken a few takes. Three cameras and two and a half people should have been ridiculously easy. As she thought it over she realized that surprisingly the problem wasn't just her past, it was Kate too.

They hadn't really talked about this scene and it was catching her off guard. They hadn't done a table read on it either since it was really only Kate speaking. The actions should have been easy enough. It was hardly their first scene together, but Kate had always been rough and edgy and more than a bit stern.

Now she wasn't.

Her words were still as firm as ever, but there was something different that Natasha couldn't figure out. It was almost like acting with a complete stranger that she'd never met before.

She had expected that walking into this moment of Nicky's life would feel familiar. Some of her hardest moments would be reflected back at her through this scene, but they weren't. This was nothing like her own detox. All the physical parts were: chills, fever, sweat, crying, etc. they were a part of her. It was responding to another person that was catching her off guard.

She'd had people that were with her in presence during her own detox, but they were there out of obligation to their jobs. This was different. Red wanted to be there for Nicky. It was foreign and it was scary. How different would her own life have been with someone like that?

Her friends had cared, but the real world was very different from the make believe walls of Litchfield that she was trapped within. The people in her support system, like all healthy relationships should be, had their own lives. They had their own responsibilities and problems. They were there for her, but not in the same way Red was for Nicky.

The characters … they didn't have their own lives in the same sense. The "family" in the show was something organic. Each character relied and grew alongside the rest. You couldn't separate the bond between them, even when they were angry or upset with one another, because there was nowhere else to run. There was no hiding or indefinite lying in this world and that made the ability to have endless support possible.

With each take, Kate had a look of understanding that she almost couldn't recognize. It meant the same damn thing as the look she had given her in the bathroom, but it was different. It made her feel naked, like her past was laid out for all to see. Yeah her history was pretty public, but it was always the summarized version. There would always be darkness that she would never willingly share, but it felt like Kate could see that too.

 _You survived then; you can survive now._ Something clicked within her. Suddenly she merged with Nicky. It stopped being about her own past and instead it turned into something she had needed, but could never have. Codependency was something to be strongly avoided in her own life, but for Nicky - it was something that wasn't a problem. Trapped inside prison, the regular rules of the outside world didn't apply.

Up until now Natasha had been acting from her past, keeping her own walls high and impenetrable. Through Nicky, she could drop those and push everything from her poisoned past onto Kate.

Unlike herself, Kate would be able to walk away at the end of the day and not feel burdened or obligated to help. This was just a job, just acting for her. Finding that difference between herself and Nicky she finally felt like she understood what needed to happen.

It wasn't about her own survival anymore (although that was still essential). Now it was about breaking Nicky down as hard as she could, so that the bond created couldn't be something the broke. They would be entwined after this, paths always crossing along each other and meeting along the way. Nicky was allowed to have that and Natasha would be damned if she didn't give it to her.

"I'm ready," Natasha called out to everyone.

Kate came up to her and grabbed her upper arms roughly. Very quietly, so only Natasha could hear, she said, "You can do this. Forget about them. They can't see anything within you. It's just us up here. Focus on the pain. Draw from it and let yourself fall."

 _I'll catch you_. The unspoken words stayed, lingering between them. There was no question of how sincere the sentiment was. Even Natasha believed it.

Nodding nervously, she resisted wiping the sweat off of her face, even though it was burning her eyes. It was just one more thing to fuel the realism for her. She didn't think about what happened next. Instead she just let her emotions guide her. She had been trying so hard to separate herself from them all day. It was a relief to finally allow them to surface.

Natasha stepped into the stall as close to the side as she could so that Kate could stand behind her and still have some room. She felt Kate brush against her as she got into place. Kate's right hand gripped her bicep. While her left arm slipped under her own. She flattened her hand against Natasha's chest, just over where her scar was.

It caused Natasha's stomach to tighten with emotion and stirred a longing that she hadn't allowed herself to feel in a such long time. She just wanted to belong somewhere. She wanted to feel like she was someone's little girl.

Using both hands Kate pulled the younger woman against her, erasing all the space Natasha had left behind her. The emotion in her core tightened further, until she was trembling in fear. "You're not alone honey," she murmured against her ear. Kate's words hit a nerve and that tightness pulled too tight until it burst and her emotions exploded.

Natasha was crying before she even heard the clack that signaled the scene was starting.

 _Norma's gonna get you some mouthwash._

She was sobbing as every drop of resolve faded away. She hadn't taken a step and finally Kate dragged her into the camera's view and along their path. She tried to walk, but mostly stumbled along while being half dragged across the room.

 _A clean mouth makes you feel better._

Natasha tried to regain her footing, but mostly she stumbled and let Kate guide her along to the other side of the small room. Kate continued to drag her, she wouldn't let her break the scene again. This was real, it would be the take that showed the truth. She knew it instinctively.

 _There._

Kate turned Natasha around, finally feeling the girl help with the movements. She was a little out of breath, but she didn't try to hide it. Natasha was propped against the counter, but Kate didn't trust her to stand on her own yet. She slipped a hand around to the back of her head, and held her there as she reached over to the sink and got the cloth she'd been holding damp.

The sounds Natasha was making were heartbreaking and Kate stopped thinking about how the scene would look, instead she poured all her focus into the girl before her. Natasha's hands lay limp against her body and while she was using the counter to prop her up, all her balance was in Kate's arm.

Kate swallowed hard as she slipped a hand behind Natasha's neck. She didn't want to break the connection of skin on skin. Their eyes met for only a second, but Kate had seen enough. Natasha wasn't acting any longer. Somehow all of the defensive walls she held onto had crumbled and all that was left was genuine pain and fear.

Trying to catch her breath, Natasha's voice broke into cries of desperation. She was shaking harder than before. The noises shattered Kate's heart and somewhere in the back of her mind she realized she was no longer acting either. Even her own body was jarred from how hard Natasha was shaking. She needed to be stronger.

She had pushed for this. She had told Natasha to embrace the pain and let it flow. Natasha had done her part. It was time for Kate to live up to hers. She would do everything she could to make sure that she knew she wasn't alone. To make her feel cared for and important.

Grabbing a handful of hair, she held it away from Natasha's face. Her mouth felt gummed up, but she had lines to get through. She focused on the rage she felt that this girl in front of her had felt this way once - was feeling it now. She should have never had such suffering in her young life.

Natasha let out a broken sob and whimpered with fear. It sounded weaker than before. The intensity wasn't passing. She wasn't calming down. It was the sound of desperation giving up. The sound of pain breaking you down harder than you thought possible.

 _You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in._

Kate held the hair in place and wiped off Natasha's mouth as she spoke. There was snot and spit splattering her face. Wiping it clean the best she could, Kate was no longer controlling her actions. Things were just happening. She could see the sweat dripping into Natasha's eyes and she wiped her brow with swift but steady motions.

Natasha stayed passively in her control, allowing Kate the freedom to take over all physical aspects of that moment. _It's almost over,_ Kate silently thought. She knew Natasha couldn't hear her, but she repeated it anyways.

 _Welcome to the floor, kid._

Kate's hand softened in her hair and moved more gently to her cheek. She went back to wiping the girl's mouth. Natasha's bottom lip was quivering and Kate almost forgot her place.

 _It'll be better from now on._

Kate could hear her own voice breaking in pain as she tried to bring comfort with her words. The noises Natasha was making made her long to hold her, but she had to wait. Just a few more lines and then she could offer her all the comfort she deserved. Or at least, all the comfort she could give her. Wounds like that didn't ever really heal.

She held Natasha's hair back with both hands. Kate meant every word she said. It would be better. Natasha started coughing and Kate knew that she needed to step in, draw this back into focus just a little bit. They were so close to the end. She would not allow them to film this scene one more time. It would be cruel and more damaging than anyone would have known.

 _And what I'll do to you if you use again will hurt a lot more than this._

Wiping her hair back once more, she couldn't help herself. She grabbed Natasha's face roughly in her hands and felt the girl still under her touch. Forcing eye contact she spoke, voice thick with how intense she felt. Tough love was not something she was afraid of giving. Was it too much? It couldn't be, because Kate knew it was true.

As she threatened to inflict more damage than drugs could do, they both could feel the truth behind her words. She wouldn't hurt her. Natasha had found a sanctuary in the older woman. Behind those words held the promise that if anything ever threatened her, Kate would be there to shelter her from it. No matter what. Even if it was Natasha herself doing the damage Kate would not allow it. She would fight for Natasha - always.

This moment was changing everything for her. She knew it was impossible, but she wanted to take on all the responsibility of keeping Natasha safe and clean. Suddenly it wasn't her job to act with Natasha as Red and Nicky. It was her job to take Natasha on as one of her own and do everything she could for the girl.

 _Remember what I'm saying._

Hands still cupping Natasha's face, she shoved her roughly until Natasha went from leaning against the counter to almost sitting on it. Holding her down, Kate growled out her warning needing the younger woman to accept it. She wanted every single word to echo through each time there was even a shade of doubt in her life. With every word she shook Natasha's head with emphasis, pushing them over the edge of the emotional precipice they had been teetering on.

Natasha's voice scratched in a painful cry that was just wrong. It was a harsh violent screech that shouldn't exist, shattering everything within. It was the worst sound Kate had ever heard and she had heard so many in her lifetime. This girl was nothing but pain and agony and fear. Every other single layer had been ripped off all the way down to the core.

Crashing against her with more momentum than either of them expected, Natasha nearly knocked them off their feet. Kate was there though and despite the force managed to bear the force. Kate's hands instantly wrapped around her as though they'd been there all along.

 _Oh._

Natasha reached up and held onto her tightly. Her hands almost made it to Kate's shoulders but didn't. It made her seem so much smaller than she was. Something fragile that Kate wanted … no, needed to protect. She felt it so deeply that she didn't think she would ever recover from this moment. It changed her in a visceral way. Her life had just broken in half into the before and after of Natasha.

 _Please. I'm so scared._

With unabashed suffering Natasha spit out the only words she could. They hadn't been in the script, but that hardly mattered now. None of this was about the show any longer. Scared didn't begin to cover what she was feeling, but the words were the closest things she could manage. Kate placed a hand on the back of Natasha's head and pulled her closer against her shoulder.

Kate heard the director call cut, but she could tell Natasha hadn't heard any of it. She wasn't going to be the one to let go first and deny the younger woman anything. She just held on tight and started rocking her gently in a slow steady rhythm. "You're safe," she whispered, voice staying in character. She wasn't ready to break the moment over such a small detail.

Everyone stood in silence for a moment - staring at the pair in front of them and all that had happened. After a brief amount of time, guilt started to wash over the crowd and they became uncomfortable remaining in their presence any longer. Quickly but quietly they left. Cleanup could wait.

Natasha didn't notice anything going on. She wasn't there filming a show any longer. She was trapped in each of the largest moments of pain in her life. Her father running away, her mother never being proud, the pressure they had put on her to always be something more, the loneliness and desperation she had felt before using, the emptiness and fear she felt afterwards... Everything in her life that had brought her to that moment - all the mistakes and suffering - fell into an immeasurable amount of need.

Trying her best to fill that need Kate pulled Natasha impossibly closer. They stayed like that for nearly twenty minutes before Natasha went slack in her grip. It had surprised Kate how long they stood there, but even as she strained against holding Natasha up for such a long period of time she pushed on. Natasha's cries had stopped moments ago and now she was thoroughly spent. Kate wanted to find a way to pull her closer, knowing that she was going to pull away soon. She wasn't ready to let her go, but she knew her own wants were secondary to Natasha's needs.

As expected, moments later Natasha leaned back and looked up into Kate's eyes. She pulled back breaking all connection except their gaze. Taking a few steps backwards she hit the counter once more. It was the jolt that broke the moment and Natasha's eyes drifted away.

Panic. It was the only emotion she had left. Natasha shook her head no and bit her lip so hard that the it turned white beneath the strain. Tears were building up in her eyes once more, as she trembled as though she were in pain.

Before Kate even had a chance to say anything, Natasha was all but running off the set.

XOXO

Okay that's it for now. I am working on a second part to this, but it may take me a little while to get around to it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it - I'm a little needier with this story because it's an RPF. Please let me know what you think and if you're interested in a second part. All your feedback is so important and greatly appreciated.


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